Long After the Euphoria Has Passed

Something I wrote many years ago…I think I wrote all of it with my eyes closed (literally) :)…

Long After the Euphoria Has Passed

By: Yasmin Mogahed

This time, sadness. not urgency. just sadness.

i know.

but what’s the point of explaining? what’s the point
in trying anymore? where’s the reason for that
awareness?  where’s the point? what can it change to
know why?  and to capture the reason, embody it, and
explain it beautifully?  what path will change?  what
reason will depart?

and yet, i waste my words. my effort to think. the
energy to lift my head, when i’m so tired. so tired
inside. so depleted, although unused. depleted without
being taken.  lost without ever having known my way.
broken before being whole.  how can something break
that never even was?

long after the euphoria has passed, what’s left?  no
sentences, just fragments of broken thoughts. the fear
of being right. it’s almost strong enough to make you
break the truth you know.  and after having broken it
with your own hands, believing the lies it tells.  we
all lie. we all lie. i’m lying now. i’m not okay. my
words are nothing but a transparent bravado.

i don’t even have anything to say anymore, but i’m
still writing. why? who’s listening anymore? who’s
even listening? not even me. not even you. no one.
does nothingness exist? it does here.  in this quite
space in my mind, it exists. and i’d like to keep it
that way.  i don’t want to be here anymore. i’m tired.

only sadness this time. not urgency. only sadness long
after  the euphoria has passed.  but i’ll still be
standing here.  i’ll still be here.   wondering if
it’s all just a shadow of a dream i forgot to
remember. stop. please stop. i’m just a shadow of a
dream i forgot to forget.

and i refuse, oh, i refuse, to be anything more.

if you don’t like it, let me be.  let me be. long
after the euphoria has passed, that’s all i’ll be. the
thing i refuse to accept, the lies i refuse to
believe, the faces i refuse to hide. the words are
passing through holes in my mind. i built them for
you.  they’re just holes in my mind. holes. it’s
alright. it’s not alright. it just is.

and i refuse, oh, i refuse, to be anything more…long
after the euphoria has passed.

i’ll still be standing here.
i promise.
i promise.
i promise.

Tagged: Journal, Poetry & Fiction, Reflections, Yasmin's Online Journal